Burnout, Lost Opportunities, and Trying to Do It All

Burnout and lost opportunities is something that comes up repeatedly in my conversations with women. It brings with it a particular kind of angst, and at times real sadness, as we watch opportunities pass us by and wonder whether we are simply not doing enough. Here are a few principles that have helped me make sense of this feeling, and that I hope, inshāʾAllāh, will ease it for you too.

Sorting Our Days by What Allah has Required Us to Do

The first step is to look honestly at how our day is spent. If we wrote down everything we do on a given day, from cooking and cleaning to taking a class, teaching a class, preparing lessons, or sharing food with a neighbour, we could then grade each task by its weight in the sharīʿah: what is farḍ (obligatory), what is wājib (necessary), and what is nafl (voluntary). Seeing the list laid out this way makes it far easier to see where the bulk of our time and energy should actually be spent.

Another method we can use is to assign a certain amount of time to each task. For example, we have 2 hours a week to take classes. Regardless of what opportunities come our way, we do not allow them to exceed the two hours we have set aside in our week for classes.

Hard Is Not the Same as Impossible

There is a distinction I consider essential: the difference between something being hard and something being genuinely impossible for a particular stage of life. It is easy to reach a point of wanting to give up simply because a task feels too difficult, and then to carry a quiet grief over having to let it go. But hard and impossible are not the same thing.

Taking a class at three in the morning is simply impossible. Waking up an hour or two before our children, at five o’clock or even half past four, in order to study, teach, or do the focused work that needs doing, is hard. It is not impossible, though of course there are seasons, such as the newborn stage, where even this may genuinely be beyond what we can reasonably do.

Look for Creative Solutions Before Giving Up

Just because something is not working in one particular form does not mean it cannot be done at all. It may simply need a different approach. I suggest two ways of finding creative solutions. The first is turning to Allah subḥānahu wa taʿālā in duʿāʾ and asking Him to make the matter easy. The second is speaking with other mothers, particularly those in the same stage of life, who may have already found a workable rhythm.

When It Truly Cannot Be Done

There will still be opportunities that are simply impossible at a given stage of life, and that reality can bring real sadness. Here I remind myself of something firmly rooted in ʿaqīdah: all of this, knowledge and teachers included, is rizq. Whether we are given the opportunity to do something is from Allah subḥānahu wa taʿālā, and missing it now does not mean it is closed to us forever.

In such moments, try to turn the disappointment into a duʿāʾ of its own: Yā Allah, I am letting this go for You, because when I look at my farāʾiḍ and my wājibāt, I can see that this is not something I can do right now. So I am letting it go for You, and I hope You will give me ajr for it, and give me something better in the future.

Two Habits That Make the Path Lighter

I want to close with two spiritual practices that have made all of this easier for me to manage.

The first is gratitude. We should thank Allah for even half an hour of focused time, whether in the morning or after the children are asleep or napping. Allah tells us in the Qurʾān that when we thank Him, He increases us. A small effort should never be dismissed as a useless one.

The second is duʿāʾ, not only for decisions but for ease and facilitation. My own personal practice is to pray ṣalāt al-istikhārah after the two sunnahs of Fajr, after Ẓuhr, and again after Maghrib. In the morning, I thank Allah for making the night easy for us and ask him to make the day easy for us and to choose whatever is best for me and family. In the evening, I thank Allah for making the day easy for us and ask Him to make the night easy for us and to choose whatever is best for us. On the occasions I miss this, I can feel the difference. There is less barakah in my time and work.

A Closing Duʿāʾ

I ask Allah subḥānahu wa taʿālā to make us women who are happy and content in every stage of our lives, and who are always striving to draw closer to Him. Āmīn.

– Written by Ustādha Saima Yacoob